Keepin’ It Real: Communcation

Jacob and I were recently asked by a good friend of ours during a much needed Skype session, “Ok, let’s be honest, how is it really?”  JD and I both laughed and then sighed and spoke about the ups and downs of the last three months.  It occurred to me in the days following our conversation that he might not be the only one with that burning question.  So here is the first in the series of…

Keepin’ it Real: Travel with Kids

Installment #1: Rage Against the Machine

I think that Jacob would agree when I say that overall things on the road have been surprisingly great.  For instance, right now, as I sit and write this post, the girls are playing in their room popping out every so often to dance and spin around the living room in the quest for a toy or whatever object they need to enhance their game.  They have been doing this since I got home from my Christmas shopping outing which was about an hour ago.

I would say, 75% of the time this is how they are; engaged with what we are doing as a family or with each other in play.  We are all establishing a routine that is completely different from the one we know in the US and in someways, not so different at all.  For instance, our biggest difficulties with the girls arise when they are tired physically or tired with each other.  Typical fights occur when Quinn wants some down time.  She is like Jacob and me, a little more introverted and requires solitude to refill her gas tank.  Mackenzie is the ultimate in outgoing.  She refills with social activities and rarely wants to do anything quiet on her own.  This difference causes a big amount of friction in our family because three out of four of us need alone time to recharge inevitably leaving Mackenzie to feel frustrated which then leads to tears, clenched fists and stomping feet.

Quinn has her challenges as well.  She gets tired more easily than the rest of us and a chain reaction is set off: Quinn starts whining, stress increases and biting at each other ensues.  It is not as if these kinds of fights didn’t occur at home, it is just they are more noticeable now that we are around each other 24/7.  One lesson Jacob and I seem to have to relearn with each new city in which we arrive, is the need for a plan on where we will eat BEFORE we leave the house.  If the plan is to eat out, pick the place or top two places ahead of time and when ready, go there.  Instead, we often find ourselves wandering around the streets trying to decipher menus in a foreign language unable to make a decision due to growing weariness, hunger and cries of our children.  If it were just us, no problem we can order just about anything and be happy but the girls are much pickier. When hunger is onboard, good communication and decision making is not.

Jacob and I seem to be holding onto the some of the same roles we held in Colorado.  Mine was always the running of the house: Grocery shopping, dinner preparation, cleaning, laundry.  Jacob has always been the one to research things to buy, vacations to go on or other such decisions.  He is a natural at this and so I often rely on his research as a baseline of information to make decisions. He is also the one with a close eye on our finances.  When I let go of full-time work to stay home with the girls, I also deferred to Jacob about decisions regarding our finances.  I know I am not alone when I say, stay-at-home moms struggle with guilt over not bringing in money.  Even though I went back to part-time work when Quinn was 2, I was also starting a business and still not bringing in much more than we were paying for childcare.  The deferred responsibility over financial decisions continued and guilt when I would spend any money on myself and resentment of that guilt, continued.

This is all irrational I realize and never once did Jacob reinforce these feelings by his words or actions.  My inner conflict, I think, just naturally comes from that sense of autonomy we all seek and when we rely on a partner financially or for any other basic safety and belonging need, it feels vulnerable which creates internal friction and therefore, communication is challenged.  I wonder now, how we fell into these gender roles. I remember in college I railed against the notion of these typical gender roles.  And yet, here I am 40 years old and following a path that was set before me 100 years or more ago.  All this to say that I think both Jacob and I were ready to give up some of our typical family responsibilities and patterns when we chose to embark on this journey.  So its no wonder, we are having arguments that stem around wanting the other to take on more responsibility for the thing we are sick of doing all the time.

Alas, some of these roles and responsibilities will always fall to one or the other; patterns are not so easily changed.  For instance, one of my “jobs” which I just have to deal with, especially since the the girls are older and more conscious of what it means physically to be a girl and not a boy, is to be the take-me-the-bathroom parent.   What I wouldn’t give to have a few moments to myself when our food arrives to the table to enjoy a couple of bites rather than inevitably when the food arrives, the girls have to go to the bathroom or Jacob says, “have you girls washed your hands?” a legitimate request but couldn’t we have remembered that 10 minutes ago?  Jacob is a master at excel spreadsheets and retains information like no other so maintaining our budget sheet and comparing airline prices will likely always be his job.

Ahhh, these little gripes grow into monstrous beasts if not attended.  Just as at home, we fall into doing jobs for the family that we naturally gravitate toward.  The trick is to communicate when we need a break from that job. We are trying to figure all this out; adjust to our new normal.  Sometimes heated arguments about sticking to budgets that start on the streets of Arequipa, Peru lead you to new awarenesses of your shit or “work” as I would have said it while wearing my therapist hat.  Jacob and I are each reading a lot on Buddhist thought and teachings and trying to establish a regular meditation practice to develop more tolerance for internal suffering in all it’s various formations.  I try to find little moments during daily activities to practice mindfulness.  I often described this to my clients as everyday mindfulness practice.  Just turning my attention while out and about to observe what I am feeling in my body, emotions, or thoughts, can be just the thing I need to reset my state of mind and choose kinder more accurate words.

Many of the arguments and communication breakdowns (cue Led Zeppelin) between all of us are the same now as they were at home.  The gift is that we don’t get to run away from it or go to sleep or work for 8 hours and “forget” about the argument. It is right there, waiting to be resolved.  We get to practice a new way of being using better strategies.  For the girls, we understand that they need a break from each other and don’t always know this need is their problem.  Jacob and I have each taken a kid and split up for 2-3 hours to give them that break.  Then, I get to feel my heart soar watching their loving reunion as they run toward each other across a plaza.  It’s all about asking for what you need, anticipating the needs of the girls, taking space when necessary and finding acceptance and openness for times of difficulty.  Now, let’s see if I can walk my talk…