Ok. So today I’m freaking out. Woke up 15 minutes ago and my mind immediately started spinning. We might never come back to this same life. Likely we won’t. If we leave, we will lose our spots in a really good school for our girls. One that has a great community, which we just started getting into. We may never be able to live in this neighborhood again. One that is also just starting to take off; it may become the neighborhood we envisioned when we moved here. Am I ok with that?
Shit just got real yesterday. We met with a realtor to “just get an idea” about what we can get for our house. The number is exactly what we had in mind, maybe a little higher. Oh shit, this could really happen. There are definitely other ways to make this adventure happen that doesn’t include selling your house and quitting your job. Many people have found a way to earn an income while traveling, especially those in the tech industry. For us, we want to push the reset button. We are not satisfied with our current employment and want to use this trip as a way to discover our passion a way to earn money for our family that fills us up instead of depleting us. I am especially interested in the process of “non-attachment” (pretty sure my freak out this morning is a symptom of the anxiety that occurs when you “detach” from your attachments”). Ok, fast forward to dinner at Noodles with the girls. Should we tell them? Of course, here comes my therapist self, “it would probably be best to include them in the process. Let them feel like they have a voice in where we go have time to ask all their questions”. Quinn, of course can only hear that she will get to see monkeys. I have talked up Costa Rica for years so she is just excited for that. She is 5, she will be fine with leaving but what about socially? She can be shy (or is that my projection because I was?), she still sucks her thumb (will she get super sick in southeast Asia?). Mackenzie was not so excited at first. “Will we never come back?”, “Will I be able to bring all my stuffed animals?”, “what about our house?” then….”can we go to Africa?” . That’s another country I have also talked up for years. I put it in their head that we would go when Mackenzie is 11 and Quinn 8. Well, we will just move it up 2 years. In our initial look at the globe and tickets, I was willing to hold off on Africa to be able to see Greece and Turkey but is it fair to tell her “no” when we told them they could be part of the decision making process? Why do we have to tell her no? Seems like this is a trip of a lifetime so better hit those once in a lifetime places. This trip is going to have to be longer than 6 months … but will she be ok? She is the one who is settled into the school community. But as I write that fear, I realize she will be fine. She has always been ok. She is my emotional being. Wears them on her sleeve. She’s a Pisces. I had a friend who once told me that Pisces are sometimes overwhelmed by their emotions. It has helped me to be more open to her emotions, to name them and comfort her more. There’s the therapist again.
As I process this risk, all of the chapters in my life that are coming to a close I try to quiet myself and listen. The word that comes to me is trust. Trust in the Universe. Trust in your ability to see your future. Do not try to alter things, just trust. I think the therapeutic work I have been doing to heal the caretaker in me, was in part the catalyst for the conversation at our anniversary dinner. Let’s let go of it all, push pause. So at 6:15 this morning I am filling that buzzy place in my body with the word trust. Trust in the Universe. Step into the flow. “Let it flow, let yourself go, slow and low that is the tempo” – Thank you Beastie Boys. I have carried that verse with me through my teenage years and into adult life and it is a perfect reminder right now. Flow…